Movie Review: The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Vampires and Werewolves. What is usually the source of nightmares is now the object of adolescent affection. The oozing of blood. The howling at the moonlight. This is the stuff where teenage lust is born. Oh yes, audiences have been sinking their teeth into The Twilight Saga: New Moon with a mouth-watering desire to cast their eyes on Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. All are eager to see which gorgeous Adonis of a man will capture the heart of Bella Swan a.k.a. Kristen Stewart. But one need not watch the Twilight films to know that Ms. Stewart is going out with Mr. Pattinson in real life. As a result, one need not sit through 2 1/2 hours of some of the most wretched cinema ever produced to know that Bella chooses Edward not just in the fantasy world, but also in the real world. It's like a dream come true for most people, a preservation of the natural order of things because Bella's true soulmate is indeed Edward Cullen. Or is it? This is the question that fuels the plot of New Moon, the intriguing dilemma of choosing overprotective Edward or shirtless Jacob. It plagues the heart of poor Bella Swan, leaving her all kinds of crazy and confused. Hell, she even gets on a motorcycle and crashes it into a rock. Why? Because the spectral Edward keeps warning her not to do anything risky. You see folks, that is true heartbreak right there. Forget the storybook romances of princesses kissing frogs. All you need is Bella Swan jumping off cliffs and crashing motorcycles to understand the dynamic complexity of a broken heart. Give me a break. The Twilight Saga: New Moon is not interested in showing us how humans expand and deflate on the shoulders of love. It is not even interested in showing us cool vampire and werewolf fights. It is only interested in accommodating the salacious desires of Twilight fans, crooning and wailing in agony over the sheer lack of body fat inherent on the big screen.

New Moon bears all the drama and all the cheesiness of a Lifetime TV Movie. To say that it is a brand of cinema is a gross misinterpretation of the concept. New Moon represents everything that is wrong with cinema today, the kind of cinema that paints society and human emotion as a humorous caricature. There is no passion or feeling to these characters, no remorse or genuine trepidation from any of the actors playing them. There are times in the film when Stewart, Pattinson, and Lautner are clearly acting, which is to say they are relaying words on a page without any kind of depth or substance. And the trouble with New Moon is that these moments of clear acting occur in the most pivotal situations. Phrases like "You're my only reason to stay alive", "Bella, you give me everything by just breathing", and "Jake, you're sorta beautiful" compromise the validity of the acting. One can sense the agitation and hidden disgust on the part of the actors to sell the reality of the Twilight world. Such poor salesmanship can be attributed to the inadequacies of dreadful prose. The dialogue in this film hinders the actors from fully expressing the desires of their characters. It puts a strain on them to sell the three-way romance that anchors the core of the New Moon plotline. In order to preserve the suspension of disbelief, one must adhere to the cinematic logic presented onscreen. For this to happen, the actors must tap into the fundamental values of their characters, allowing for the audience to generate some kind of emotion. The writing is supposed to complement the actors, providing them with structure and discipline as they create a portrait of their characters. With New Moon, the source material by Stephanie Meyer is a distasteful piece of literary garbage. As a result, the filmmakers are left to scrounge and claw through the trash bin, locating pieces of edible goodies in order to quell the appetites of a devoted fanbase. In turn, this forces New Moon to become nothing more than a unsavory bag of Hershey kisses.

But boy, there are enough Hershey kisses in this film to make the audience scream to high heaven. There's more than enough eye candy to make the audience go "ooo" and "ahh". Yet all of that eye candy leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. It's like eating one of those Every Flavor Beans from Harry Potter, you know the kind that make you want to vomit everywhere. Imagine what this film could have been if Taylor Lautner had kept his shirt on. Imagine if the filmmakers had chosen to stray from the source material in order to develop a more profound commentary on romance. You could still keep the characters, for those are intangibles in adapting literature for the screen. But you could change their little idiosyncrasies; the particular nuances that define who they are and what they choose to do. Wouldn't that make for a great movie? Of course it would. But New Moon is not interested in being a great movie. If Taylor Lautner isn't half-naked, there is no movie. If Robert Pattinson isn't longing for Kristen Stewart and vice-versa, there is no movie. If Bella isn't jumping off cliffs, crashing motorcycles, or sitting in her room as the camera pans around showing her insufferable depression, then there is no movie. The point I'm making is that New Moon is not a movie without these superficial intangibles. The filmmakers are interested in giving us two things: a massive jug of Wine to go with an enormous chunk of Cheese. And the popularity of this film suggests that audiences are okay with that. They view New Moon as more of an escapist melodrama than a serious piece of filmmaking. But if audiences want more escapist melodrama and less serious filmmaking, while also satisfying their craving for vampire sex and blood, then just tune into True Blood on HBO. True Blood knows how to balance the cliched artificiality of the vampire stories by developing its characters and exploring the complex labyrinth of their sexual appetites. New Moon wants to be slick and sexy, hip and energetic. But it doesn't have the testicular fortitude to push these characters to the brink of their sexual appetites. The closest they ever come is when Jake almost kisses Bella, which certainly isn't enough to satisfy our libidos. It doesn't have the stamina to unleash hell all over those Alaskan woods and fine Italian courts. The closest they ever come is when Edward protects Bella from the blazing red eyes of Dakota Fanning and the lascivious aspirations of vampire king Michael Sheen, which isn't enough to satisfy our blood lust. What is New Moon but an extension of the first Twilight only with werewolves? What is New Moon but a PG-13 edition of True Blood? What is New Moon? It is a chance for fans to wet themselves on the bosoms of Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson. Nothing more, nothing less, and a waste of valuable time.

And if I had to choose a team, I would choose Team Jacob only because there is no rhyme or reason behind Bella's attraction to Edward. Her attraction to Jacob is real and it is authentic, whereas her attraction to Edward is absolutely befuddling and mind-numbingly repulsive.

Lenny's Grade: D-